


Unforgettable

by Mondhase



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Ontarom, Romance, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 10:35:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5124365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mondhase/pseuds/Mondhase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ME1 Fem!Shepard/Alenko, Sole Survivor background. Rated M for the second chapter. After the mission on Ontarom ended with Corporal Toombs' death, Lieutenant Alenko comes to confront Shepard with her decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I played a female Shepard and usually chose the Paragon way in conversations, but when I first played the mission on Ontarom, I really felt for Corporal Toombs and what he’d been through. And, with the Sole Survivor background, it had also been Shepard’s team that had been killed on Akuze, so I allowed Toombs to kill the scientist. But I definitely hadn’t expected Toombs to kill himself, too, after that.  
> Needless to say, I didn’t like this outcome, so I loaded a previous savegame and chose the Paragon answer instead, but the violent version of this scene has made such an impression on me, that I just had to write something about it.  
> This will only be a two chapter story, and it’s rated M for the second part.

Commander Shepard slowly entered her quarters, feeling thoroughly beaten and exhausted.

The moment she’d received the message about the scientists, who had worked on Akuze being killed, a horrible sense of dread had settled into the pit of her stomach and she hadn’t been able to shake it until she had finally seen the man behind the murders.

Toombs.

Shepard had thought that she had left the horrors of Akuze behind, that she’d accepted the losses and moved on, but today had proven that that hadn’t been the case at all.

The moment she had seen Corporal Toombs, it had all come crashing down on her again, all those deaths…

Fifty marines dead, and for what? An experiment?

After she had heard the corporal’s story, she had been so unbelievably angry, only moments away from pulling her own gun and blowing that sick scientist’s head off, but she had known that it hadn’t been her call to make. She hadn’t been the one used as a human guinea pig for the last five years, tortured until only a shadow of her former self remained.

It had been Toombs who had managed to escape and who had tracked them all down, bringing them to justice.

Or at least that was what Shepard had thought at that moment. So she had stepped aside and watched as Toombs finished it, Lieutenant Alenko and Garrus keeping quiet, both knowing how personal this was for her.

But she had been wrong; it hadn’t ended with the scientist’s death.

For one moment, Toombs, whom she had considered a friend all those years ago, had finally been at peace. He had avenged their dead comrades and also his own suffering, but when the obsession for revenge that had kept him going all this time had been fulfilled at last, there had apparently been nothing else left for him to live for.

_‘The vids all say you’re the sole survivor of Akuze. Who am I to argue?’_

The shot that had followed these words still rang through her mind, as Shepard sank down on the edge of her bed and stared at her slightly trembling hands.

Why? Why had she allowed this to happen? Why hadn’t she reacted faster? Why…

There were so many questions, but she didn’t have any answers for them.

But before she had more time to think about it, there was a signal coming from the door, pulling her out of her thoughts. One of her crewmen obviously wanted to talk to her, but she ignored it. They should know better than to disturb her _now_ of all times.

But there it was again, and Shepard got the feeling that whoever it was wouldn’t leave until she had answered.

“Yes, what is it?” She almost shouted, feeling her frustration rising.

The door opened and Staff Lieutenant Alenko entered, closing the door behind him wordlessly.

“Kaidan, whatever it is, not now!” The commander said quietly, her exhaustion clearly audible in her voice, but the lieutenant didn’t leave. On the contrary, he came further into the room, slowly walking towards her.

“Yes, now. I know, I’m probably breaking about a dozen protocols right now, just by being here, but what happened on the planet-”

“Is none of your business!” Shepard interrupted him harshly. Her expression was hard as she stared up at the man a few meters in front of her, but he didn’t falter.

Kaidan sighed deeply, before he finally decided to try another approach to the topic. One the commander couldn’t simply avoid by ordering him out.

“Actually, it _is_ my business. You’re my commanding officer, so my life and those of everyone else on this ship constantly depend on your decisions and judgement and after what happened on Ontarom I just want to make sure that you’re still yourself.”

“What makes you think I’m not?” She asked back, trying to sound casual, but not quite managing it.

“Because what happened today, what you did… that wasn’t you, Shepard! We’ve been around together quite a bit now and I’ve never seen you do anything like this. You’re always the voice of reason, the one who grants forgiveness, but today…” He trailed off, giving Shepard the chance to reply.

She stood up and looked Kaidan in the eye as she spoke, her voice cold and unwavering.

“First of all, it’s ‘Commander’, Lieutenant Alenko, and second, I don’t think you’re in any position to judge my actions today. You were neither on Akuze, so you don’t even know what you’re talking about, nor do I have to justify any of my decisions to you. You’re clearly overstepping your boundaries here.”

Despite the threatening tone of his commanding officer, Kaidan stood his ground and kept looking at her, a smile barely visible on his lips.

“Oh, so you’re giving me the ‘chain of command’ speech now? Don’t you think we’re a little past that? Listen, I know you never meant for things to turn out this way with Toombs, so don’t pretend like you think what you did was right. I know you’re hurting. Let me help you.” He finished imploringly, trying to take the commander’s hand, but she pulled away from him.

“Yes, of course, you know _exactly_ how I’m feeling. I guess that means you’re not only biotic, but psychic, too, right?” Shepard asked in a mocking tone, causing the lieutenant to lose his temper for a moment.

“Don’t you see that I’m just trying to help you here? Why do you have to keep pushing me away; is being the only one left not lonely enough for you?” He regretted the words as soon as he had said them out loud, but there was no taking them back.

Shepard’s eyes flashed with anger and her fist hit Kaidan square in the jaw, almost sending him to the ground. He stumbled backwards, holding the throbbing side of his face with one hand, the other raised defensively to prevent any further attacks.

“I’m sorry, Commander, I’m really sorry. I never should have said that.” Shepard stopped advancing on him, giving Kaidan the chance to pull himself together, although she was still obviously mad at him.

Standing up straight again, he looked at her apologetically, as he spoke.

“You’re right, I have no idea how you’re feeling about Akuze or Toombs, but that’s only because you don’t tell me, or anyone else for that matter. I know you’re used to dealing with things on your own, that’s why they made you a Spectre and gave you the Normandy, after all, but it couldn’t hurt to have someone to talk to.”

“I’ve talked to a lot of people after Akuze. The Alliance sent me to a whole bunch of psychiatrists and counsellors and they all cleared me. I was fit for duty after losing fifty men and I’m fit now after losing one.” The commander had calmed down again and once more sounded as emotionless as she had done before Kaidan had broken through her defences with his hurtful remark.

“Death isn’t just about numbers, and you know it. You’re right, I wasn’t on Akuze, but I was there today when Corporal Toombs died and that was enough to know that you can’t compare the two.” Kaidan fell silent after that for a moment, giving Shepard the chance to think about his words, as he came slowly closer again.

He was still angry at himself for the rude and thoughtless comment he had made earlier and was careful now not to make that same mistake again.

“I know you didn’t see his suicide coming, and neither did I, but you should never have let the situation get out of hand like that.”

“It was already out of hand when we got there. People have died. Good people. Cerberus had it coming.”

Lieutenant Alenko paused before answering anything to that. He could understand Shepard’s decision down on the planet and knew that he might even have done the same in her situation, but that didn’t change the fact that he still felt both shocked and disappointed by it.

“I know, it’s just that… I thought you would stop Toombs from executing that scientist. I _expected_ you to stop him!”

“Why? Why should I have done that? That man deserved to die!” Shepard pointed out incredulously, a part of her still trying to convince herself that the disastrous outcome of this mission hadn’t been her fault.

“Probably, yes, but revenge isn’t justice. Now nobody will ever know the truth. Nobody will find out what Cerberus did to your men on Akuze and to Corporal Toombs, because the only witnesses are dead, the evidence lost or destroyed.”

Shepard stopped at this. Kaidan was right, the truth was lost forever now and she’d been so completely overwhelmed by her own anger about it and her desperation after Toombs’ suicide that she hadn’t even thought about that yet.

Lieutenant Alenko noticed her shocked expression and sighed, before continuing in a more gentle tone.

“I know how personal this mission was for you, that fleet command even gave you a free hand in it, but I still hadn’t expected it to get to you like that. You never let your emotions impact on your better judgement; that’s just not who you are.”

“Or maybe you’ve just got much too high expectations of me.” Shepard replied frankly, but Kaidan shook his head decisively.

“No, I don’t. You’re strong; in fact you’re probably the strongest person I’ve ever met and I’ve come to rely on the fact that you always do the right thing, no matter the circumstances.”

Silence followed these words and Shepard’s resistance finally broke. She stepped even closer to Kaidan and rested her head on his shoulder, her eyes falling shut as she took comfort in his presence. As her hand brushed against his, she intertwined their fingers, finally allowing herself to accept the support he was offering.

They stayed like this for a while until the commander spoke again softly, her words filled with doubt and concern.

“I could have ended up like him, you know? If I’d been injured more severely and taken by Cerberus, they would have broken me instead of Toombs.”

“But they didn’t. You pulled yourself out of there, beat the odds and made it home alive and in one piece. And no matter what will happen to you in the future, I know for a fact that you won’t ever end up as such a broken shadow of yourself.”

“And why’s that?” She asked disbelievingly.

“Because you’ve still got things to live for. You’ve got a calling; you’re a Spectre, even once you’ve stopped Saren and the threat of the Reapers. You’ve got a crew that would do literally anything for you, and you’ve got… me.” Kaidan finished after an almost unnoticeable moment of hesitation.

Shepard pulled back a little to see his face, uncertain what to reply to this. The look in his brown eyes was gentle, but also determined. He knew perfectly well what he was doing, that he was prompting her to either make their relationship official or to reject him for good.

Slightly overwhelmed by the sudden change of the situation, the commander felt a little light-headed. She had always enjoyed Kaidan’s presence and had long since realised that she wanted him to be more than just a team mate or friend, but until now she hadn’t been completely sure if he was up to it, too, given the fact that she was his commanding officer. But his last words could hardly be misinterpreted.

It was her choice now; go for it or let it go.

**To Be Continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As in the first chapter, I wrote this without describing Shepard’s physical appearance. We all know how ‘our’ Shepard looks like and I think anything that differs from that only tends to pull you out of the story, so I left it out. I’ll mention the first name I gave her once, but it’s important to the story, so I hope you’ll forgive me for that.
> 
> This chapter is the reason this ff is rated M. It’s pretty explicit and since this is the first time I wrote anything like that I would really appreciate a feedback. Hope you like it!

_"You’ve got a crew that would do literally anything for you, and you’ve got… me.” Kaidan finished after an almost unnoticeable moment of hesitation._

_It was her choice now; go for it or let it go._

Shepard’s voice was merely a whisper as she leaned forward, closing the already small distance between her face and Kaidan’s.

“Do I?”

“Yeah, you do.” He replied breathlessly just before their lips finally met in a kiss.

Kaidan let go of her hand and instead wrapped both of his arms around Shepard, pulling her against him tightly.

The commander had her eyes closed, losing herself in the overwhelming sensation of the kiss she had been craving for so long, while her hands held onto Kaidan’s back almost desperately.

Their lips connected with a passion she hadn’t expected and heat started to surge through her entire body as she opened her mouth and Kaidan’s tongue entered it.

Without thinking about it, Shepard’s hands wandered down to his waist and began to pull at his shirt, her surprisingly soft fingers finding the bare skin beneath it. Breathing heavily, he let go of her for a moment to pull his shirt over his head, then threw it carelessly on the ground before doing the same with her top.

As soon as the irritating clothes were out of the way, Shepard was back in Kaidan’s arms, her mouth finding his immediately. She could feel as he opened her bra with one hand and savoured the feeling of her breasts against his strong chest.

Without breaking their passionate kiss, Kaidan slowly began to move forward, directing Shepard back towards her bed in the corner of the cabin.

When her legs hit the bed frame, she let herself sink backward, down onto the mattress that was surprisingly soft for belonging on an Alliance warship. Kaidan followed her slowly, his knees on either side of the commander, looking down at her.

“You’re so beautiful.” He was half kneeling above her and his gaze was filled with a mixture of lust and longing, so strong that it almost took Shepard’s breath away. She reached up to run a hand across his cheek gently, but he unexpectedly flinched at the touch.

For a short moment Shepard looked up at him in confusion, but then remembered that this was the spot where she had punched him only a few minutes ago. Her voice was soft and apologetic as she spoke.

“I’m sorry about that.” But Kaidan shook his head and took her hand before she could pull it away completely.

“No, don’t be. I earned that. Just… touch somewhere else, okay?” He guided her hand down his chest and over his firm stomach towards the buckle of his belt, not once taking his eyes off of hers in the process.

Returning his gaze steadily, Shepard followed the invitation and undid the belt; then proceeded to push Kaidan’s pants and briefs down as much as she could from her position, revealing his impressive manhood that immediately caught her eye.

“Not bad, Lieutenant.” She announced with a smirk as she pulled Kaidan down to her to kiss him once more, while her fingers traced across his exposed skin teasingly.

His breathing stopped shortly, but then he pressed himself against her still fully clothed legs, ending their skin contact for the moment.

“And I know how to use it, too.” He replied in a hoarse whisper, his hand now busy undoing her belt in return. It took only a short moment, but Kaidan almost had to force himself to let go of the commander long enough to be able to fully remove both of their remaining clothes.

When they were both completely naked, he sank down on top of her again and captured Shepard’s mouth in another rough kiss, before his lips began to wander. He placed soft kisses on her jaw line and down the side of her neck until he finally reached her firm breasts, giving them his undivided attention as he was stroking them gently, eventually focusing on the sensitive centre. His tongue and fingertips kept caressing Shepard’s taut nipples, until she began to moan in pleasure; the sign he’d been waiting for that he had her worked up enough and that she was ready to proceed.

Kaidan moved back up to Shepard’s mouth and pressed his lips onto hers while slowly tracing one hand down between her legs to make sure that she was absolutely ready. Once he knew for certain, he brought himself in position and then pushed forward, keeping his eyes open to look at the woman below him to avoid being too rough by accident.

But the lieutenant soon noticed that the opposite was the case as Shepard wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him against her, while pushing herself up at the same time. But even as he picked up the pace, she continued to push against him, almost struggled, until he eased off and allowed her to push him over onto his back with her coming out sitting on top of him.

The commander took a deep breath and relaxed visibly, now that she was in control again and soon started to move up and down at a slow pace, closing her eyes to focus on the sensation.

Kaidan looked up at her, her beauty almost stunning him as he took in the sight of her amazing body. Breathing heavily, he let her take over for a few minutes, but then decided to not just let her have her way with him.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position, so his face was only a few inches away from Shepard’s and wrapped his left arm around her lower back to steady himself. He could feel her hot breath on his lips and leaned forward to kiss her, the commander responding immediately.

While their lips and tongues fought for dominance, Kaidan let his free hand wander across Shepard’s body, finding her breast which earned him a low moan in reply. His fingertips traced gently across her soft skin and he felt the woman in his arm shivering slightly from the pleasure.

Shepard kept moving, but noticed that her control of the situation was slowly fading. She was losing herself in Kaidan’s touch and felt herself responding to him more and more, something that she wasn’t prepared to let happen.

Moving her hands to his shoulders, she pushed gently to force the lieutenant back down on the bed, but he didn’t give into her. Instead, the hand that had so far been caressing her breast, slowly moved down, across her stomach and only came to a halt when it had found her most sensitive spot.

Taking a sharp breath, Shepard pulled back in surprise as the touch sent an unexpected wave of pleasure trough her body. She stared at Kaidan, barely able to form a coherent thought anymore, let alone speak out loud.

“What… what are you doing?” She asked, her voice strained with lust.

“Taking charge.” The lieutenant answered back, before he recaptured Shepard’s lips in another passionate kiss, his fingers skilfully moving between her legs.

She tried to move back, to get away from the overpowering sensations that were flooding her body, but Kaidan moved his hip up slightly and fastened his hold around the commander simultaneously, thereby deepening their connection even more.

Shepard broke the kiss as the pleasure was beginning to build up inside of her. Biting down hard on her bottom lip to stop herself from screaming, she stopped fighting against Kaidan and instead started moving on her own again, his touch still filling her with a thrill of ecstasy.

The lieutenant watched as Shepard finally gave into him and allowed herself to be taken over by pure instinct. Her fingers dug into his shoulders painfully as she finally climaxed, a wave of incredible lust and pleasure wracking her body.

When it was over, the commander slumped down, exhausted, and Kaidan wrapped both of his arms around her to steady her. He pulled her weakened body against his so her head came to rest on his shoulder, her hot breath brushing against his ear.

They stayed this way for a while until Shepard had recovered enough to pull back from Kaidan’s embrace, at least a little, so she could look at him again.

“You’re so beautiful.“ He muttered, before the commander had the chance to say anything, watching her intently.

“You said that already.” She replied, still panting heavily, but with a smile playing on her lips.

“I know, and you always are, but I mean when you’re like this, when you actually allow yourself let your guard down for once.” He explained, cupping her cheek with his hand gently. “There’s always so much happening, so much pressure on you, but just now you let all of that go, even if only for one small moment. Because in that moment you weren’t an Alliance commander or a Spectre, you were just you, Joan, the woman I think I fell in love with.”

Shepard swallowed hard and looked into Kaidan’s eyes for a long moment, almost overwhelmed by the sincerity in them.

“Love, huh? That’s a pretty big word.”

“I know. But don’t worry, it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel it back. I mean, you do like me, right?”

“’Course I do! I don’t do this with all of my lieutenants, you know?” She answered, looking down at their naked bodies, still joined.

“Good, then that’s enough. I just wanted you to know how I feel. We’re both soldiers, I don’t have to tell you about missed chances.”

“No, you don’t.” The commander’s face hardened slightly, but Kaidan noticed and pulled her closer. Their lips touched gently, but just when Shepard was about to give into the kiss, the lieutenant fastened his hold on her and suddenly spun them around, so that he was lying on top again.

Their eyes locked; both soldiers were silent for a moment and this time Shepard didn’t fight for the upper hand when Kaidan started moving again.

Her right hand stroked gently across his back, while the other was buried in his hair, but the commander didn’t really notice what she was doing. She kept constant eye contact with Kaidan, his weight on top of her keeping her in place as he was moving in and out of her.

Pulling her legs up, Shepard slightly altered the angle in which Kaidan was entering her, intensifying the feeling for both of them. He groaned in reply while she bit her bottom lip once more to keep quiet.

Kaidan kept moving slowly, but each of his deep thrusts sent a wave of pleasure and excitement through Shepard’s body, slowly building up inside of her. He had been supporting his weight on both of his arms so far, but now he suddenly ran one hand down her side, making her skin tingle under his soft touch, and then took hold of her thigh, pulling it up even further.

Shepard yelped in surprise as his next thrust hit a sensitive spot inside of her, making her vision spin for a moment. Now she finally broke the eye contact with the lieutenant, as she pulled his head down and kissed him deeply, her back and hip simultaneously arching up to meet him.

The pleasure coming from each of his movements was almost unbearable, and this time Shepard knew that Kaidan was feeling it, too.

They kept going as one, each second, each wave of emotions bringing them closer to release. Nothing else existed outside of this room, outside of this bed, but the two of them, finally together, and just before they both hit the climax, Kaidan broke the kiss, so he could look into Shepard’s face again. Her eyes were filled with a haze of lust and passion, but she closed them tightly when she finally came for the second time this night, her whole body stiffening.

Kaidan followed her immediately as she cramped around him, their union finally complete.

Exhausted, but also content to a point he’d never thought possible, Kaidan sank down on Shepard, her skin unbelievably hot against his. He placed a light kiss on her upper lip, before resting his head next to hers.

As neither of them wanted to move, Shepard only slowly ran her fingers up Kaidan’s arm, over his shoulder and to his neck, where her hand came to a rest, stroking the beginning hairline lovingly. He sighed, feeling perfectly at peace, but turned his head slightly so he could look at Shepard.

“Wow, that was…” He trailed off, unable to find the right words to describe what they had just experienced.

“Uhuh.” Shepard nodded in agreement, smiling at the lieutenant. They remained like that for a while, but the commander knew that Kaidan couldn’t stay, no matter how much she wanted him to. It was time for both of them to get moving again.

“Kaidan.” She whispered into the silence of her cabin.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, for helping me clear my head.” The lieutenant laughed shortly in reply, understanding that the moment had to be broken eventually.

“Anytime.”

He pushed himself up, and after kissing Shepard one last time, forced himself to get out of the bed. He had to leave now or he probably never would. The commander followed his lead reluctantly and they both got dressed again in silence. When he was ready, Kaidan looked at Shepard, unwilling to leave her, but knowing that he had to.

“I should go now.” He said, but without actually moving.

“Yes.” Was her rather uncommunicative reply.

They kept staring at each other for a long moment, until Kaidan finally dropped his stance and headed back over to Shepard once more.

“Damn it.” He muttered, as he pulled her into his arms again and they shared a yearning kiss, knowing that they were ultimately forced to separate again.

When they finally did let go of each other, Shepard looked into Kaidan’s eyes, her sense of duty coming back to her.

“This…, us…, it can’t change anything, you know that, right? Out there I’m still your commander.” But Kaidan just nodded, fully aware of the inevitable distinction they’d have to make between their private and professional relationships.

“I know. And that’s fine, as long as you don’t forget that I’m here for you when you need me. For whatever you might need me.” He added with a telling smile, before turning around to leave.

“Kaidan!” Shepard stopped him once more before she was even sure what she wanted to say. He had laid out his feelings in front of her earlier and a part of her wanted to say it back, wanted him to know that she loved him, too.

“Yes, Commander?” He asked, already back in the role they were forced to maintain outside of this room.

She hesitated.

“Nothing, Lieutenant. I’ll see you later on deck.” Kaidan looked back at her for a moment, then simply nodded.

“Yes, Ma’am.” He left and Shepard stayed behind, trying to convince herself that it was the right choice to let him go.

Telling him now that she reciprocated his feelings would only make their situation even more complicated than it already was. They were headed for Virmire now and then they would hopefully find out more about the Conduit and where Saren was looking for it. As soon as she knew where all of this was going, she would be ready to tell Kaidan the truth.

Soon…

**The End**


End file.
